5 Lies I Believed When My Husband Was Watching Porn

Before I start, I want to be very clear as to why I believed these lies. I swallowed them hook, line, and sinker because the idol of my heart was my husband and not God.

I required my husband’s approval and looked to him as my compass and guide because of insecurities that I was unwilling to discuss with Christ. It is because of these unrealistic expectations I placed on our relationship that I chased after these lies and accepted them as a reality in my life.

My husband never verbalized any of this, it was purely my own insecurity that led me to believe that if I could only change in some way, I could maintain control of the outcome…this was the ultimate lie.

Before I start, I want to be very clear as to why I believed these lies. I swallowed them hook, line, and sinker because the idol of my heart was my husband and not God.

I required my husband’s approval and looked to him as my compass and guide because of insecurities that I was unwilling to discuss with Christ. It is because of these unrealistic expectations I placed on our relationship that I chased after these lies and accepted them as a reality in my life.

My husband never verbalized any of this, it was purely my own insecurity that led me to believe that if I could only change in some way, I could maintain control of the outcome…this was the ultimate lie.  Continue at April Mabrey

Blog Leavers, Cleavers, and Covenant Union

After Introducing the Princess Bride to the Prototype of an Ideal Husband as Our Lady of the Rib, we are told, “…A man shall leave his father… and shall cleave unto his wife.” Genesis 2:24. Here, a general precedent is set for a man to leave his home, his place of origin, and cleave to his bride. The man is called upon to leave his father’s house, wherein he lacks no need and has the comfort of familiarity, out of a desire for a bride. In leaving home, he must undertake the responsibility of the head of the new household, becoming the provider of his family and leader in the new home. The now-husband assumes the debts and needs of his new bride.

Christ came from heaven, leaving the heavenly home and Father, and redeemed for himself a bride. He left heaven and Father where he held the glory and sovereignty which he shared with the Father, John 17:5. He left an earthly mother, Mary, in order to endure the hardships of life in a fallen world. He lived a perfect life of obedience in order to clothe his bride. He would even be obedient unto the death of the cross, declaring vows that sealed the bride to himself. In doing these things, he assumed the debt of the bride and paid it in full. He took the Federal Headship, leaving home, father, and mother, in order to cleave to his bride.     Continue at Chris J. Marley

The Husband’s Headship: An Original Model?

Is the husband’s headship in the home merely a post-fall development, reflective of sin? Or was Eve originally created in a submissive role to Adam?

 Scripture indicates in several ways that Eve was indeed originally created in a submissive role to Adam. First, in Moses writes in Genesis that Eve was created as Adam’s “helper” (Gen. 2:18). She was created to assist him. She was to be his companion, yes, but she was also to be his helper.  Further, Adam named Eve (Gen.3:20). Giving a name is always a symbol and function of authority.

 Next, the apostle Paul tells that it was no accident that Adam was created first — it was reflective of God’s intention that man was to be the leader (1 Tim. 2:12-14).  Moreover, the fact that Eve came from Adam, and not Adam from Eve, also reflects God’s original purpose for man to lead (1 Cor. 11:7-8).

 We might conclude all this also from the fact that the marriage relationship is designed to picture the relationship of Christ to the church and in which the church is subject to Christ (Eph. 5:22ff).

 In any case, both Moses and Paul state plainly that this relationship is one of creation and not of the fall only. To be sure, the woman’s submission to her husband now involves the struggle and labor and competition of the curse (Gen. 3:16b), but it was God’s original intent for marriage nonetheless.   Continue at Fred G. Zaspel

5 Questions Wives Should Not Ask Their Husbands

Recently  there was a great little post about 5 questions husbands should ask their wives. Good questions.

Of course I starting thinking about what kind of questions we wives should ask our husbands, but more than that, I immediately thought of questions we should not ask them. Here are five questions a wife should never, in my opinion anyway, ask her husband. (And if you already have, I hope you just laugh at yourself now that I bring it up and not get mad at me.)

#1 Do you think I am fat?

What a terrible question! You should figure out the answer yourself by looking in the mirror or checking the scale, because if he says, ” Yes, dear, you are a little pudgy,” he’s automatically in the doghouse. How insensitive! If he says,”No” (like a good husband should), he may still be in trouble if you think he might be  fudging. Other questions in this category include, “Do I look old? Am I ugly?” Ugly? No. Stupid? Yes.

#2 Do you think Susie (or Sandy or Sally) is attractive?

If he says, “Yes, she’s gorgeous,” then what? Most of the time the next question is, “Do you think she’s prettier than I am?” Now we have gone from bad to worse! Now he’s in an impossible situation, and you are being way too self-absorbed. But if he hems and haws (“Well, I’m not really sure. She’s kind of pretty I think…”) then you’ll be tempted to think he’s not being honest. What possible good can come from having this conversation?   Continue at Nancy Ann

“Let Marriage Be Held in Honor” — Thinking Biblically About So-Called Same-Sex Marriage

Hebrews 13:1–6,

Let brotherly love continue. ² Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. ³ Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body. ⁴ Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. ⁵ Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” ⁶ So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”

Today’s message is built around eight points designed to give a biblical vision of marriage in relation to homosexuality, and in relation to the proposed Marriage Amendment in Minnesota. I asked that Hebrews 13:1–6 be read not because I will give an exposition of it, but to highlight that one phrase in verse 4: “Let marriage be held in honor among all.” That is what I hope to advance, for the glory God and for your guidance and your good.

1. Marriage is created and defined by God in the Scriptures as the sexual and covenantal union of a man and a woman in life-long allegiance to each other alone, as husband and wife, with a view to displaying Christ’s covenant relationship to his blood-bought church.

 

This is seen most clearly from four passages where these truths are woven together.

1. Genesis 1:27–28

Genesis 1:27–28: “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. ²⁸ And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.”

2. Genesis 2:23–24

And then God linked his design in manhood and womanhood with marriage in Genesis 2:23–24. When the woman is created from his side, the man exclaims: “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” ²⁴ Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” 

In other words, God created man male and female so that there might be a one-flesh sexual union and covenantal cleaving with a view to multiplying the human race, and displaying God’s covenant with his people, and eventually Christ's covenant with his church.   Continue at John Piper

When Your Husband Is Struggling Spiritually

That “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Heb. 13:8) is especially good news for us when we consider the reality of our flighty hearts.

Our affections ebb and flow. Our passion for Christ surges and then dwindles.

Sometimes we feel like a dry desert, lacking the intimate adoration for Christ that should flow out of our understanding of his Word.

Sometimes we feel like we’re walking by a serene brook, where everything is calm and beauty is easy to see.

Sometimes we feel like a dusty library of books, filled with lusterless academic knowledge bereft of joy.

Sometimes we feel like we’re flying, caught up in the thrill & joy of walking with Jesus in the truth of his word.

Sometimes we feel like we’re in a dark cave filled with brokenness and pain with no foreseeable exit.

Sometimes we feel like we’re in a forest of weariness, struggle, and pain in which rays of sunlight bring us joy as the reassuring presence of the Holy Spirit to carries us through.

Praise God that neither our salvation nor our sanctification depends upon our emotion, passion, or circumstances!   Continue at Britney Hamm

Five Ways to Harm Your Husband by Being a “Good” Wife

Several weeks ago Wendy Alsup wrote a striking post about how complementarians (folks who believe that men and women have differing roles in society, the home, and the church) are shooting ourselves in the foot with faulty reasoning and extra-Biblical teaching. It seems that on our way to understanding manhood and womanhood, our generation has started taking some shortcuts--shortcuts that are going to have significant consequences on whether or not we develop a fully Biblical understanding of gender and human relationships. In this sense, the things she mentioned are serious; but even more so is her overarching point: while we may have a seemingly noble goal, if we don’t reach that goal in an authentic and legitimate manner, we undermine everything we are trying to accomplish.

This is not a new problem for us humans. Whether it’s yelling at our kids to be quiet or speeding down the highway to avoid being late to an appointment, we regularly--although often unintentionally--conduct our lives under the assumption that the end justifies the means. Wendy’s post also got me to thinking about how this kind of pragmatism can invade our relationships, specifically our marriages.

Is it possible that in our attempts to reach an ideal, in our progress toward becoming “good” wives and husbands, we could actually be harming each other? I think it’s more than possible; I think it’s very common. And like so many areas of Christian living, the danger is not so much in what we’re doing, as what’s happening in our hearts and revealed through the process of doing them. And while I can’t speak for the men, here some problematic tendencies I’ve observed among Christian women—they are simply things I’ve heard, things I’ve seen, and truthfully, things I’ve done myself at times.

Let’s just file them under: “It’s a bad thing when…

1) You encourage your husband to be a leader… the same way you encourage good behavior in your child or pet. Many women I know are not truly satisfied with their husbands, but they are “gracious” enough to give them time and space to develop. Much like they are gracious enough to give their children time and space to mature. While waiting, they offer false praise or over-praise them for small acts of kindness or what they consider to be “growth.”  This is dangerous for two reasons: First, it is fundamentally condescending. And second, people know when you are not being truthful. What your husband learns is the same thing that any of us learn once we realize praise is false or overinflated: he learns that he cannot fully trust you or worse, that you didn’t think he was capable of success in the first place. Continue at Being a Good Wife

Mommy Needs a Recess

Mommy-y-y-y! Dad can't find his keys again and Judson is eating crayons and Norah didn't make it to the potty and I need help with my homework and someone rang the doorbell and now Dad really needs his keys and Mommy, why are you closing your eyes like that are you tired?

If this scenario sounds familiar, then this article is for you. Yes, you with the peanut butter handprints on your blouse and 14 sticky notes on your refrigerator.

I suspected that I could relate to you when I saw you drinking room temperature coffee leftover from yesterd--

Oh, hang on---I hear a baby waking up. . . . False alarm. Poor guy---he's teething. I started to tell you something. Hold on, it will come back . . . ah, yes!

Did you hear about The Gospel Coalition women's conference in Orlando this summer?

If you frequent the TGC site then you might have read about the conference. Perhaps you dismissed it as something you couldn't possibly attend because of your responsibilities at home.

Or maybe when you read about the conference the most pressing thing on your mind was multitasking your email and laundry at the end of a long day. I'm right there with you.  Continue at Gloria Furman

Wives Speak Out

Can we be anecdotal for a few moments? To be clear, TGC and the women represented in this article believe what they believe about marriage not primarily because of experience but fundamentally because of God's Word. But I've been impressed lately by a host of strong, gifted married women who actually, joyfully, and productively give witness to the beauty of Scripture's pattern for marriage---headship and submission and all!

Complementarians often hear that women's gifts are being ignored or unused. Certainly in some cases this is true. However, in an effort to soften or eliminate biblical distinctions between women and men, women's hardships are too often blamed on those distinctions rather than on sinful human hearts that---whether they lean toward complementarianism or egalitarianism---so easily pursue selfish gain rather than the other's good. Might it be possible that the gospel lived out in marriage can by God's grace restore to the headship and submission of husbands and wives their rightful, Christ-reflecting beauty?

The following words from women are not proofs but glimpses of such grace. The focus here is limited, as we peer briefly into the lives of a few married women---acknowledging that such stories of grace, strength, and productivity emerge from all kinds of lives, married or not. But marriage has been on our cultural minds lately, in many ways, not just in the church. All the forces battering this institution have actually brought it vividly onto the public stage for a hearing. Because of these cultural battles, but especially because of the way the Bible talks about it, marriage is a crucial subject for all of us no matter what our relational status.  Keep Reading >>>

7 Misconceptions about Submission

This morning I had an interesting conversation with Rachel Held Evans, who is writing a book on “A Year of Biblical Womanhood.” Though Rachel and I would likely disagree on several points regarding the Bible’s teaching on womanhood, I deeply appreciate the opportunity for us to dialogue and engage on the topic. Rachel asked me to answer three questions about submission:

• What are some common misconceptions about what it means to be a “submissive wife.”
• Why might some (think secular audience) be surprised to learn that you submit to your husband. In other words, how do you yourself defy the stereotype?
• How long have you been married, and how has submission worked out practically in your marriage? (In other words, what does it look like when you submit to your husband?)

Those are excellent questions!  Here’s how I answered her first question, “What are some common misconceptions about what it means to be a “submissive wife?”

Seven Misconceptions about Submission:

Misconception #1: Submission is universal—the directive applies to all women, even those outside of the faith community.   Keep Reading >>>

When Looking for Pornography…Begin in the Heart

Where would you look to locate the primary problem with pornography? In our culture?

Are you tempted to initially react to the sensual realities of our culture?

You should react!

You should be concerned!

But when you address the porn problem, are you more inclined to begin the discussion with the prevalent, pervasive, cultural, immodesty issues?

Granted it should be part of the discussion.

Certainly it is right to walk our wives and daughters through how to dress modestly.

It is wise to teach them how to help guard the hearts of their male friends, by dressing in an appropriate manner.

However, the way they dress should not be the starting point in the pornography discussion.

Out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. – Luke 6:45

Jesus began the discussion regarding behavioral sins like porn not with the behavior, but with the heart. In the quote above Jesus tied the behavior (tongue speech) to the heart. He placed the source or the genesis of our sin problems in the heart rather than on the lip.   Keep Reading  >>>

Did You Marry the Wrong Person?

A little while ago Stephen Altrogge wrote a small article he titled So You Think You’ve Married the Wrong Person and today I would like to add one thing to the discussion. Stephen’s article addresses an always-pertinent topic. It is a topic that is applicable to married folk who may one day wake up and wonder, Did I marry the wrong person? In fact, I think most married people wonder that at one time or another. It may not be a question filled with true angst and regret, but one that may persist at the back of their mind.

At such times you can find great comfort in this simple reality: I guarantee that you have married the wrong person. We all marry the wrong person. Perhaps I should say it like this: we all marry the “wrong” person. We all marry a person who sins against us, who sometimes exasperates us by helping us worship our idols and at other times irritates us by smashing them to pieces. We all marry a person who has stinky breath and physical blemishes and bad moods. We all marry a person who is apparently incompatible with us on all kinds of levels. To quote Stephen, “The husband is neat, the wife is messy. The wife is talkative, the husband is quiet. The husband is always on time, the wife lives more in the moment. The wife is social, the husband is a homebody.”

The differences can go far deeper than that. The differences may extend from the marriage bed to the church sanctuary, from the way we make love to the way we worship, and everywhere in between. 

Stephen turns to Paul David Tripp who offers some valuable and biblical counsel:    Keep Reading...

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Families Out of Disasters & Wives Out of Harlots

Excerpted from my forthcoming book What Every Man Wishes His Father Would Have Told Him. From the chapter “Never Move Past the Gospel.”

There will come a time, as comes in everyone’s life, when your progress is halted by the unwelcomed barnacles that attach themselves to our fallenness: marital strife, adultery, life-dominating sin, personal failure, an emotional breakdown, a rebellious child, a sick spouse, the tragic loss of a loved one, unconfessed sin, depression, anger, financial ruin, the ubiquitous test result for cancer which takes a brutal seven days to come back, etc.  Everyone eventually gets to helplessness.  In that moment, if you are like the rest of us, the last place you will turn will be to Jesus Christ.  The Gospel, streaming invisibly as a ticker across the bottom of your life, will seem powerless to affect the more “complex” issues of your existence.  You will immediately assume your modern predicaments require more sophisticated solutions than the Gospel.  The Gospel is comforting, but ineffective deep into the thick of life.

In the shadow of the unexpected you will be half insulted at the suggestion of the Gospel’s sufficiency.  You will most likely turn away from the Gospel, not turn toward it.  I know this makes little sense, but it’s usually true.  Standing under your worst moments, turning to the Gospel will sound like the naïve counsel of a caring grandmother.  A veritable milk and cookies answer.  The stuff of flannel boards and nursery rhymes.  A vast oversimplification of your refined pain.  “Christ and Him crucified” will appear as nothing more than a tattered cliché.  But, such is what men (even regenerate ones at times) have always said about the cross – it is foolishness.    Continue Reading...

Male and Female on Purpose

As promised, I plan to post a few excerpts from Kevin DeYoung’s message “Who Am I? Humanity in the Eyes of the World and the Christian” from the 2011 Next conference. Here’s the first excerpt, on gender roles, personal identity, and why husbands must not be dictators or doormats:

The world says you are free to create yourself. God says, “You are created to reflect my image.”

What does it mean to be in God’s image? It means we have a certain resemblance to God with our intelligence, our appreciation for beauty, our rationality, and in our capacity for worship and language. It means we represent God, that we have dominion over creation as rulers, as stewards, as those called to cultivate. It means that we are relational beings, interacting with God and with each other so that the image of God consists in these relational virtues of knowledge and righteousness and holiness.

Listen to Colossians 3:9–10: “Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.” Likewise, Ephesians 4:24 says, “put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” So the restored image of God shows us what sort of image bearers we are. We are those who have the righteousness and holiness that is characteristic of God himself. Keep Reading...

Spiritual Healing in the Midst of a Husband's Addiction to Pornography

A short time ago, while posting a poem titled “I Looked for Love in Your Eyes,” I lamented that while there are many, many books written to help men overcome an addiction to pornography, there is very little written to help the women who have been victims of a husband’s addiction. Shortly after I received an email from Vicki Tiede who has written just such a title. Her book, titled Mosaic Heart: Spiritual Healing in the Midst of a Husband’s Addiction to Pornography (working title - this will likely change) will be published by New Growth Press, probably about a year from now.

I asked Vicki if, in the meanwhile, she’d be willing to do an interview to offer some words of help to women who are struggling with the effects of their husband’s sin. She was kind enough to do so. Here is what I asked her:

What is the scope of this problem? How many women are struggling with the effects of a husband’s addiction to pornography?

 

Read the rest HERE

Encouragement for Mothers Whose Husbands Don’t Attend Church

Loving Your Spouse Redemptively

In Love that Lasts Gary and Betsy Riccucci offer practical insight for husbands and wives. Gary encourages husbands to love their wives as Christ loves them: graciously, sacrificially, redemptively, with understanding, and with honor. For now, we want to focus on what it looks like for husbands to love their wives redemptively. To love my wife redemptively means I should desire to see my wife being continually transformed into an increasingly beautiful bride, just as Christ desires this for the Church. These questions can point us in that direction: Continue Reading>>>

Submission Is Harder Than You Think

How do you Counsel a Husband who has hurt his Wife with his Pornography struggle?

The Heart of Her Husband Safely Trusts in Her