The Seven-Year Itch and the Joy of Lifelong Marriage

German politician Gabriele Pauli shocked her conservative party and sent waves through news outlets worldwide when she proposed in September 2007 that marriage should only last seven years.

Described at the time as “Bavaria’s most glamorous politician,” the 50-year-old, twice-divorced, motorcycle-riding Pauli campaigned for party head, in part, with the hopes of institutionalizing what some have called “the seven-year itch.” Her plan was that marriages would automatically dissolve after seven years, at which point the spouses could renew their union or go along on their own merry ways. Pauli did not win in her bid for party leadership.

Seven-Year What?

The “seven-year itch” is a widely recognized psychological term suggesting the seven-year mark as a common time when spouses sense they have drifted away from each other and desire to explore other romantic interests. It’s also the title of an iconic 1955 motion picture, which popularized the phrase in relation to marriage.   Continue at David Mathis

Bitter Breakups and Divine Closure: Our Pain and His Providence

I remember my first failed relationship. I was in junior high and enamored with a girl one year my senior. One day I mustered up the courage to approach her and asked if she would be my girlfriend. Though we hardly knew each other, she said yes.

No one should be surprised that the relationship ended shortly thereafter. Nevertheless, my depraved 14-year-old mind and heart thought that I was in love, and when we broke up, it hurt.

I cringe at the memories of singing love songs (think Usher in 2001) while sobbing in my room, wondering why it had to end.

Frankly, it was pathetic.

Good, Bad, and Bitter Breakups

 

Shake your head if you must, but many of us have endured similar experiences in our adult years. Accruing countless breakups before marriage has become the norm.   Continue at  Phillip Holmes

John Wesley’s Failed Marriage

John Wesley (1703–1791) is best known in church history as the founder of Methodism. His commitment to the biblical gospel, passion for evangelistic preaching, and skill at organizing the budding Methodist movement are all notable traits. And God used those qualities to help spark the Evangelical Revival in England in the mid-18th century (a revival that paralleled the Great Awakening in North America). In that respect, there are many helpful things that we can learn from Wesley’s example.

His marriage, however, left a different kind of legacy; one which is also noteworthy, but not for good reasons.

As Methodist author John Singleton explains:

The saga of John Wesley’s marriage is a cautionary tale from the roots of Methodism that ought to resonate today with any couple so involved in church life that they fail to leave enough space for each other.    Continue at Nathan Busenitz


See also:  Interacting with Wesley’s Christian Perfection

Marrying a Man Addicted to Pornography?

In the most recent issue of JBMW, Heath Lambert answers this question: “Should a woman marry a man who has a problem with pornography?” The essay contains much practical and helpful advice, and I commend it to you. Here’s how Lambert begins his answer to the question: 

 

First, the short answer. There is a clear and concise response for a woman wondering whether she should marry a man after discovering he struggles with pornography: no. She should not do it. Marriage is too important and too exclusive to enter into it with a man who is cultivating desires for women beyond the one to whom he is married. You need to be in a relationship with a man who is cultivating exclusive desires for you. That’s the short answer.

Next, the long answer…

Read the rest of Heath’s advice here. Download the rest of the issue here.

5 Lies I Believed When My Husband Was Watching Porn

Before I start, I want to be very clear as to why I believed these lies. I swallowed them hook, line, and sinker because the idol of my heart was my husband and not God.

I required my husband’s approval and looked to him as my compass and guide because of insecurities that I was unwilling to discuss with Christ. It is because of these unrealistic expectations I placed on our relationship that I chased after these lies and accepted them as a reality in my life.

My husband never verbalized any of this, it was purely my own insecurity that led me to believe that if I could only change in some way, I could maintain control of the outcome…this was the ultimate lie.

Before I start, I want to be very clear as to why I believed these lies. I swallowed them hook, line, and sinker because the idol of my heart was my husband and not God.

I required my husband’s approval and looked to him as my compass and guide because of insecurities that I was unwilling to discuss with Christ. It is because of these unrealistic expectations I placed on our relationship that I chased after these lies and accepted them as a reality in my life.

My husband never verbalized any of this, it was purely my own insecurity that led me to believe that if I could only change in some way, I could maintain control of the outcome…this was the ultimate lie.  Continue at April Mabrey

Should the Church 'Get Out of the Marriage Business'?

Christians are frequently tempted to excuse themselves from the kerfuffle over same-sex marriage by insisting that the church should get out of the marriage business altogether. Many suggest that we should separate the conception of marriage into the "sacred" and the "secular." These evangelicals aren't questioning the Scripture's teaching on homosexuality. Some Christians just want to bypass debate and focus on weightier matters within the church's walls—like preserving the theology of marriage from being corrupted by democratic fiat.

This argument assumes that Christians can maintain and safeguard their own definition of marriage by refusing to impose a particular viewpoint in the public square. Often with good intentions, some Christians wish to privatize marriage into a strictly ecclesial practice, treating it like we would the Lord's Supper or baptism.

But therein lays the problem: The church's theology on marriage, while certainly ecclesial, isn't sectarian. Marriage leads one outside the walls of the church and into the public square because marriage, by design, reveals a certain cosmology about our essence as being made male and female. Marriage has an innately public purpose by bringing together the two halves of humanity. If you embrace man as man and woman as woman, you might be on the losing end of a culture war over marriage, but you'll be on the side of truth when the dust settles about human nature.    Continue at Andrew Walker

When the Sex Should Stop

Sometimes sex should stop in marriage.

The sometimes is really important. Not all the time. It’s not what is normative or typical. It’s sometimes. And, at the same time, be sure that sometimes really means sometimes. Real times. These are actual moments, or seasons, that never present themselves as the anomaly they should prove to be in the long run. We’re talking about a tangible pause from sex, however brief and limited the stopping may be.

The biblical text on this topic is 1 Corinthians 7:1–5, and though the meaning is pretty straightforward, the way this text plays itself out in the life of the church can run askew in two different directions. One error is to use this passage to support a pattern of self-fulfilling sexual demands; the other is to use this passage to fuel a culture of fear in the marriage relationship — and both combine to produce damaging implications.

Let’s expose these misuses and then chart a course for the gospel-empowered sometimes of sexual abstinence in marriage.

 

Look at the Passage

First, here’s verses 3–5 of 1 Corinthians 7:   Continue at Jonathan Parnell

Blog Leavers, Cleavers, and Covenant Union

After Introducing the Princess Bride to the Prototype of an Ideal Husband as Our Lady of the Rib, we are told, “…A man shall leave his father… and shall cleave unto his wife.” Genesis 2:24. Here, a general precedent is set for a man to leave his home, his place of origin, and cleave to his bride. The man is called upon to leave his father’s house, wherein he lacks no need and has the comfort of familiarity, out of a desire for a bride. In leaving home, he must undertake the responsibility of the head of the new household, becoming the provider of his family and leader in the new home. The now-husband assumes the debts and needs of his new bride.

Christ came from heaven, leaving the heavenly home and Father, and redeemed for himself a bride. He left heaven and Father where he held the glory and sovereignty which he shared with the Father, John 17:5. He left an earthly mother, Mary, in order to endure the hardships of life in a fallen world. He lived a perfect life of obedience in order to clothe his bride. He would even be obedient unto the death of the cross, declaring vows that sealed the bride to himself. In doing these things, he assumed the debt of the bride and paid it in full. He took the Federal Headship, leaving home, father, and mother, in order to cleave to his bride.     Continue at Chris J. Marley

The Gay Marriage Debate

Recently I’ve attempted to argue that in our discourse about homosexuality we need to return the discussion to the basic description of the acts themselves. I’ve suggested  that on two grounds, one fairly implicit, the other stated explicitly. Implicit in my previous posts was the assumption that the entire premise of homosexuality as social identity needs to be questioned. I didn’t develop this thought, but it was working in my description of how the public conversation about homosexuality turned so quickly and decisively. The more explicit statement was that we need to turn the conversation to the sex acts themselves because the success of the pro-homosexuality campaign depends on our not considering those things actively.

This week a couple of pieces make those points far more eloquently and  helpfully than I could  ever do.

Understanding the Perception and Rhetoric

The first comes from a New Yorker profile of Edith Windsor, the plaintiff in the DOMA case. At one point in the interview, the discussion turns toward rhetorical strategy and public perception. Here’s the relevant bit:   Continue at Thabiti Anyabwile

George and Barbara Witness a Wedding—When a Private Act Sends a Public Message

Former President George H. W. Bush and his wife Barbara attended a wedding a few days ago, and it made national news. According to The Washington Post, the elder Bushes attended the wedding of Bonnie Clement and Helen Thorgalsen, held at Kennebunkport, Maine. The two lesbians, co-owners of a general store in neighboring Kennebunk, were married in an outdoor celebration attended by family and friends. The 41st President of the United States was present, along with the former First Lady. Bonnie Clement told The Washington Post, “Who would be best to acknowledge the importance of our wedding as our friends and as the former leader of the free world? When they agreed to do so we just felt that it was the next acknowledgement of being ‘real and normal.’”

As it turns out, President Bush did not merely attend the wedding. He also served as an official witness, signing the legal documents for the ceremony and the Maine wedding license. Under a photograph with the former president the couple added the words, “Getting our marriage license witnessed!”    Continue at Al Mohler

It’s Not You, It’s God: Nine Lessons for Breakups

Some of a single person’s darkest days fall after a breakup.

You risked your heart. You shared your life. You bought the gifts, made the memories, and dreamed your dreams together — and it fell apart. Now, you’re back at square one in the quest for marriage, and it feels lonelier than square one, and further from the altar, because of all you’ve spent and lost.

No one begins dating someone hoping to break it off someday. The wiring in most of us has us longing for the wedding day. We’re looking, sometimes it feels frantically, for love, for affection and security and companionship and commitment and intimacy and help. After all, God seems to want most of us to be married (Genesis 2:18; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Corinthians 7:2, 9). But that sure hasn’t made getting married easy.

The Pain of Intimacy Without Matrimony

The reality is that good, Christ-exalting relationships very often fail before the ceremony, never to be recovered romantically. The pain cuts deeper and lingers longer than most pain young people have felt in their lives. I feel it deeply even typing these words. It’s one of the hardest things for me to write or speak about: the pain of intimacy that fell short of matrimony.

Breakups in the church are painful and uncomfortable, and many of us have or will walk this dark and lonely road. So here are nine lessons for building hope and loving others when Christians end a not-yet marriage.   Continue at Marshall Segal

Can You Define the Relationship?

We are living in strange times — specifically, in the age of the abortion contracts, wedleases, and throuples.

In 2007, J.J. Redick launched his NBA career with the Orlando Magic. Much ballyhooed out of Duke University, Redick entered games for essentially one purpose: to hit three-point shots. This he did with enough panache — and game-winning success — to make opposing fans all over the country dislike him (it’s a Duke thing, too).

Though his on-court role was uncomplicated, it appears that Redick’s off-court life was anything but. In the course of “seeing” model Vanessa Lopez, Redick allegedly hired a legal team to draw up an “abortion contract.” Basically, the document required Redick to “maintain a social and/or dating relationship” with Lopez for at least one year as long as she agreed to abort a child she claimed had been conceived by the couple (Redick says no child was conceived). In addition, should Redick decide he couldn’t “maintain” his “relationship” with Lopez, he would pay her $25,000.   Continue at Owen Strachan

Are Your Church’s Governing Documents Ready for a Post-DOMA World?

One of the more interesting discoveries I made when researching Baptist polity a few years ago was the lost practice of “recognition councils.” Most Baptists are familiar with ordination councils, in which a local church calls together a group of elders and messengers from like-minded area churches to examine an aspiring minister’s fitness for ministry, and thereafter to advise the church either to pursue ordination, to delay ordination until the examinee is more fit for the ministry, or to deny ordination entirely. Recognition councils occur when a new assembly calls together a group of elders from like-minded area churches to examine its governing documents, and thereafter to advise the assembly to pursue chartering, to delay chartering until its documents are in order, or even to abandon entirely its plan for a new church.

Typically, recognition councils examined a prospective church’s constitution and by-laws, doctrinal statement, and covenant. But there are a great many other documents that may also be subjected to examination: mission statements, philosophies of ministry, employee job descriptions, teacher policies, nursery policies, facilities-usage policies, etc. What I’d like to suggest in this post is that the lost practice of recognition councils be formally revived, or, at the very least, that churches informally pool their collective minds to assist one another in creating ecclesiastical documents that are orthodox, orthoprax, and in our litigious society, as litigation-proof as is possible.   Continue at Mark Snoeberger

Is my Boyfriend’s Porn a Marriage Deal-Breaker?

Desiring God ministries has a podcast called “Ask Pastor John,” in which John Piper fields difficult questions about life, ministry, and whatever. In the most recent episode he answers a query that has to be one of the most pressing question facing young women today: “Is my boyfriend’s porn a marriage deal-breaker?” Because of the internet, pornography has become pervasive and common among young men. It seems sometimes that there’s hardly anyone who hasn’t been hooked by it. So more and more women—even Christian women—must grapple with this question as they consider marrying.

 

Ask Pastor John: “Is my boyfriend’s porn a marriage deal-breaker?”    Continue at Denny Burk

Gay Marriage and the Eclipse of Religious Liberty

Ever since the court handed down its DOMA decision yesterday, it has becomeincreasingly clear that we are one lawsuit away from gay marriage being ensconced as a Constitutional right. My hunch is that such a lawsuit will come sooner rather than later, and that the matter could end up before the Supreme Court in relatively short order. President Obama is already saying that gay marriages performed legally in one state should be recognized by every other state in the union. This matter will be litigated, and—as Scalia noted in his dissent—that other shoe is going to drop.

In any case, the Supreme Court has led us to the precipice of legal gay marriage in all fifty states. As gay marriage moves forward, there is a real question whether proponents of gay marriage will allow any legal accommodation for the consciences of those who hold marriage to be the union of one man and one woman. Observant Christians, Jews, and Muslims would all have religious reasons for defining marriage in the traditional way, but will their religious liberty be respected as gay marriage becomes the law of the land?   Continue at Denny Burk

See also:

What has the Gay Lobby Revealed to You about Your Faith

Where the Prop 8 ruling leaves us?

How Should You Explain the Same-Sex Marriage Debate to Your Children?

Supreme Court Defies God’s Clear Teaching on Marriage
 

7 Lessons for Christians from the “Gay Victory”

Marriage Is Not Ultimate

I recently caught up with a college friend in town for a mutual friend's wedding. Now in our mid- to late-20s, we talked about love, significant others, and marriage. We expressed fears and anxieties, hopes and dreams. We asked the typical questions: Is this "the one"? Are we compatible? Will she accept me? Will I be happy forever with her? All of this got me thinking about how much the YOLO ideology has affected the minds of young Christian singles when it comes to marriage.

We live in interesting, strange times, especially in regard to marriage. Some of what I see is positive, but most is downright upsetting. Seeking to escape the enslaving small-mindedness of caveman traditions, our generation fights to redefine and delay marriage at the same time. While the LGBTQ community demands their so-called right to marry, heterosexuals devalue it by delaying marriage for as long as possible.

Though the sages of our age encourage heterosexuals not to marry early, most still want the benefits of marriage. There's an inescapable desire for love, commitment, sex, and deep intimacy. Carl Ellis exposes the irony:

A casual observer of today's Western culture would be hard-pressed to miss the prevailing trends toward marriage devaluation. As increasing numbers of heterosexual couples are opting to do "married people things" absent the marriage commitment (e.g., cohabitate, have and raise children, etc.), marriage itself is viewed with considerably less favor than a generation ago.   Continue at Phillip Holmes

Do We Have the Definition of Marriage Wrong?

The biblical definition of marriage has faced an incredible amount of attack from secularists lately, with the push for the legalization of same-sex marriage. But in a recent article in an Iowa newspaper, three professors—two of religious studies and one of history—claimed that evangelical Christians have the definition of marriage wrong. The authors on this article were Robert Cargill, assistant professor of religious studies at University of Iowa; Kenneth Atkinson, associate professor of history at the University of Northern Iowa; and Hector Avalos, professor of religious studies at Iowa State University:

As academic biblical scholars, we wish to clarify that the biblical texts do not support the frequent claim that marriage between one man and one woman is the only type of marriage deemed acceptable by the Bible’s authors.

Now, there is not a single statement in Scripture affirming polygamy, homosexual behavior, bestiality, and so on. These academics cite a number of instances of polygamy in the Old Testament as evidence for their point. And while it’s true that God-fearing men such as Jacob or King David practiced polygamy, God didn’t affirm their behavior. In fact, polygamous lifestyles inevitably brought hardship and judgment on them. (For a more detailed explanation of the biblical view of polygamy, see “What About Polygamy in the Bible?” and “Contradictions: A Man of Many Wives” by Roger Patterson.)   Continue at Ken Ham

When Two So-Called “Married” Women (or Men) Repent

One of the sweet advantages of insisting that there is no such thing as same-sex “marriage” is that there is therefore also no such thing as same-sex “divorce.” In the days ahead, this will be very good news for many who repent.

In the years to come, God will be merciful on thousands of those who have been damaged by the present moral madness of our culture. He will exalt Christ in the conversion of many who have lived in same-sex relationships. More complexities than we can imagine will be presented to us in the church.

One of the more difficult scenarios will be what the church should do when, say, two women, who have lived in a so-called married state for some years, are converted to Christ, repent of their sin, and want to join the church. And what if they have children?

In this uncharted territory, here is a map with some of the biblical guideposts I foresee. It is not exhaustive. I invite every pastor to pray that God would grant him the great privilege of leading new believers through this process.

1. Rejoice. We should join all heaven in the joy that our Father and the angels feel over this repentance.

“There will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.” (Luke 15:7)

2. Pray. This is going to be complex and difficult. We need humble wisdom beyond the merely human.

The wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. (James 3:17)    Continue at John Piper

Is Your Church Ready for the Marriage Revolution?

The Supreme Court of the United States is set to hand down a set of decisions this summer that could advance a cultural and political shift in the way marriage is defined in this country. Is your church ready for this?

By that, I don’t mean whether your church has a position on the definition of marriage, or whether your people are ready to express their opinions or vent their outrage on social media or talk radio. All that’s easy. The question is whether our churches are ready to create marriage cultures that matter, regardless of the cultural moment.

In a few weeks, my denomination, the Southern Baptist Convention, will gather in Houston for our annual meeting. If you’re coming, you’re invited to a special conversation about reclaiming a marriage culture in troubled times, sponsored by the Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission.

I’ll be joined by my friends, pastors David Platt and J.D. Greear, women’s ministry leader Susie Hawkins, and Paige Patterson, the president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. We’ll talk about how you can get your congregation ready to think through the next fifty years of discipleship on marriage.   Continue at Russell D. Moore

When Christians Become a 'Hated Minority'

(CNN) - When Peter Sprigg speaks publicly about his opposition to homosexuality, something odd often happens.

During his speeches, people raise their hands to challenge his assertions that the Bible condemns homosexuality, but no Christians speak out to defend him.

“But after it is over, they will come over to talk to me and whisper in my ear, ‘I agree with everything you said,’" says Sprigg, a spokesman for The Family Research Council, a powerful, conservative Christian lobbying group.

We’ve heard of the “down-low” gay person who keeps his or her sexual identity secret for fear of public scorn. But Sprigg and other evangelicals say changing attitudes toward homosexuality have created a new victim: closeted Christians who believe the Bible condemns homosexuality but will not say so publicly for fear of being labeled a hateful bigot.

As proof, Sprigg points to the backlash that ESPN commentator Chris Broussard sparked recently. Broussard was called a bigot and a purveyor of hate speech when he said an NBA player who had come out as gay was living in “open rebellion to God.” Broussard said the player, Jason Collins, was “living in unrepentant sin” because the Bible condemns homosexuality.   Continue at CNN