It’s Not You, It’s God: Nine Lessons for Breakups

Some of a single person’s darkest days fall after a breakup.

You risked your heart. You shared your life. You bought the gifts, made the memories, and dreamed your dreams together — and it fell apart. Now, you’re back at square one in the quest for marriage, and it feels lonelier than square one, and further from the altar, because of all you’ve spent and lost.

No one begins dating someone hoping to break it off someday. The wiring in most of us has us longing for the wedding day. We’re looking, sometimes it feels frantically, for love, for affection and security and companionship and commitment and intimacy and help. After all, God seems to want most of us to be married (Genesis 2:18; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Corinthians 7:2, 9). But that sure hasn’t made getting married easy.

The Pain of Intimacy Without Matrimony

The reality is that good, Christ-exalting relationships very often fail before the ceremony, never to be recovered romantically. The pain cuts deeper and lingers longer than most pain young people have felt in their lives. I feel it deeply even typing these words. It’s one of the hardest things for me to write or speak about: the pain of intimacy that fell short of matrimony.

Breakups in the church are painful and uncomfortable, and many of us have or will walk this dark and lonely road. So here are nine lessons for building hope and loving others when Christians end a not-yet marriage.   Continue at Marshall Segal

Thrill of the Chaste: Our Amish Romance Fantasies

Women have always longed for the men of romance novels. In some ways,

that's what romance novels are for. The latest romance subgenre, though, has its own effects. Not only may readers of Amish fiction compare their husbands' bodies to a hunky hero like Levi Yoder, but also their own households to the bucolic, romanticized Amish life.

As I started reading these so-called bonnet-rippers, I found myself glancing across the bed at my husband, thinking:

"How come you don't lead daily Bible time with the kids?" (Never mind he does it once in a while.)

"Do you even cherish me like Christ does the church?" (Never mind he just wrote me a beautiful Mother's Day card.)

"When was the last time you took me to a barn raising and got me cold lemonade even though the Bishop said I was too young?" (Okay, that one's totally an Amish thing.)

Chapters deep into unrealistic expectations, I started feeling like my husband wasn't enough of a spiritual leader and that I wasn't enough of a hospitable, home-cooking wife. Don't get me wrong. I tried the simple life. I homeschooled our kids. I even made my own bread… once. I long for the less-hurried life, and it seems I am not alone.

Today's readers want to escape the pace of hypermodern life, and living vicariously through the lives of the Amish offers one way to do so, according to Valerie Weaver, author of Thrill of the Chaste: The Allure of Amish Romance Novels.  Continue at Angie Ryg

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A Black and White Choice NOT to read Fifty Shades of Grey

“Fifty Shades of Grey,” an erotic novel by an obscure British author based on Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series, has electrified women across the country. Readers have spread the word like wildfire on Facebook pages, in college hallways, at office functions and in spin classes. Within six weeks of publication, the three books of the series, Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, claimed the top three spots in USA Today’s Best-Selling Books list. Sales have topped 10 million. The series is so popular that last month, author E. L. James was listed as one of Time magazine’s “100 Most Influential People in the World“.

Red Room of Pain

The books in question are erotica that explicitly describe sexual bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism (BDSM). The story follows an unfolding affair between a recent college graduate, the virgin Anastasia Steele, and handsome young billionaire entrepreneur, Christian Grey, whose childhood abuse left him a deeply damaged individual, and who enlists her to share his secret sexual proclivities. Steele is required by Grey to sign a contract allowing him complete control over her. Because of her fascination and budding love for him, she consents to a kinky sexual relationship that includes being slapped, spanked, handcuffed, and whipped with a leather riding crop in his “Red Room of Pain.”

A few weeks ago, the book popped up as Amazon’s suggested buy on my Kindle. I declined. Like my friend, Dannah Gresh, I absolutely refuse to read these books.

Smut is Smut

 

Undoubtedly, the series portrays BDSM in the context of an engaging, passionate, tender, romantic relationship that culminates in the characters falling in love, and the conflicted girl assuaging the billionaire’s troubled soul. But it doesn’t matter to me how the author sweetens it up. The tasty red Kool-Aid doesn’t offset the bitter poison. Smut is still smut.

I don’t have to read the book to know that it’s bad for women. Nor do I need to read it to tell you that I think it would be unwise for you to read it.

7 Reasons Not to Read 50 Shades

 

1. It violates God’s design for sex:    Continue at Mary Kassian

When Pastors Give the Sex Talk

This is the last topic I thought I would ever address in a public forum, not least in a published book. But alas, God opens doors and calls us through them. So here I am, encouraging my fellow pastors to make sure---even if you're no longer serving in youth, university, or young adult ministry---to keep your sex talk fresh, handy, and well thought out.

A little more than a year ago I was a college pastor. The topic of dating, purity, and romance seemed to be an ever-present area of commentary, question, and struggle. (Many of my former students are smirking right now, thinking that I am the one who kept bringing it up.) As I prepared to teach a series on romance, dating, and marriage, I was taken aback by the lack of theological depth among evangelicals on this topic. Many books and essays (on the left) properly noted that dating cannot be found in the Bible, but then wrongly concluded that therefore the Bible has nothing conclusive to say on this topic.

Alternately, many (on the right) offered strong convictions defended by sordid statistics, pragmatic concerns, and plain old legalism. Where was the gospel? While I did note several good treatments on the practical "how to's" of dating and maintaining sexual purity, I noted a dearth of articles and books that dealt with the topic from a theological, gospel-rooted perspective. I also found that many pastors hesitated to get any more specific about sexual boundaries than telling Christians not to have sexual intercourse before marriage. Such lack of clarity left unanswered the age-old question: How far is too far?  Continue at Jay Thomas

Sex In Marriage

As it is Valentine’s Day tomorrow, we thought it would be beneficial to highlight marriage, and specifically sex in marriage.

The Intimate Marriage

Dr. R.C. Sproul has taught a series and written book on marriage. In these resources, Dr. Sproul walks through some of the toughest things couples struggle with today: lack of communication, sex, roles, divorce, anger, and more. He shares what the Bible says about each, as well as lessons He has learned from his own marriage of forty years.

Watch: You can watch The Intimate Marriage series online for free.

Read: You can purchase The Intimate Marriage book from the Ligonier store.

The Puritan’s View of Sex in Marriage

There are many caricatures and missinformation when it comes to how Christians through the ages have viewed sex in marriage. In Dr. Joel R. Beeke’s Living for God’s Glory: An Introduction to Calvinism, he dedicates a chapter to marriage, in which he discusses the Puritan’s view.

Marital love must be sexual, so that both marital partners can give themselves fully to each other with joy and exuberance in a healthy relationship marked by fidelity. Reformers such as Martin Luther, Ulrich Zwingli, and John Calvin established this aspect of marriage by abandoning the medieval Roman Catholic attitudes that marriage was inferior to celibacy, that all sexual contact between marital partners was a necessary evil to propagate the human race, and that a procreative act that involved passion was inherently sinful.  Continue at Ligonier

Do Looks Matter?

"I don't care what she'll look like," the young man declared about his yet-unknown future bride. "I'll love her for who she is inside." Everyone in the small gathering of young people looked at him with distinctly unconvinced expressions. But this was a church gathering, and we all knew he was saying the spiritual thing. Such piety simply couldn't be challenged. That is, until one guy ventured what was to him a sincere question: "Yeah, but don't you want her to be hot?" 

As if something appalling had been said, we collectively turned to the youth minister, who had been quietly backing away from the conversation. With an uneasy smile, he said, "Well, you can make a pretty girl spiritual, but you can't make a spiritual girl pretty."

Everyone sensed the sarcasm in his maxim, but it didn't bring much resolution to the dilemma. Do looks matter? This question comes up a lot in my current ministry, too, usually in the form of a single friend feeling guilty for not being attracted to an otherwise worthy romantic candidate. I usually tell friends they shouldn't feel guilty for not being attracted to someone---but they shouldn't think the matter is necessarily settled, either.  Keep Reading...

Why Women Love Jerks

Obviously, we as women will automatically trust the man we have an emotional connection with – whether or not his actions and character have earned that trust. So the wisest course of action, as a woman seeking God, is to guard our hearts of emotional attachment until he has proven himself a wise man. How do we protect ourselves from loving and trusting a man who isn’t good for us? What does guarding your heart look like? Scripture gives us some helpful guidelines. Read it all HERE

Christian Romance Novels: A Wise Caution

True Lips Wait? Sexual Abstinence, Romantic Longing, and Monogamous Lips

There is no explicit biblical ban on premarital kissing, but any honest person knows that there are kisses that can only be considered sexual, naturally leading to the sex act itself. These young Christians are not afraid of their bodies, they are afraid of sinning against God and losing something precious to themselves as well.

In a world that has made monogamy an embarrassment, these young Christians want to offer their future spouse the gift of monogamous lips. In an age of instant sexual gratification, these young believers believe that true lips wait. This is what a counter-revolution looks like. Read it all HERE