Is it Gossip or Conversation?

People talk. They talk behind your back. They talk about you. They talk about your leadership decisions. It’s normative. Expect it. And don’t call this talk gossip. Most of the time it’s not.

If you’re a leader, then you probably lean towards being a control freak. It’s expected. Laissez-faire leaders don’t typically last long. In many ways, leadership is simply interference with the status quo. When people talk, you want to shape the conversation. That’s healthy. That’s leadership.

What is not healthy is how often leaders can gripe about conversations as if it’s gossip every time someone says something about them while not in their presence. Get over it. Dialogue is not gossip. In fact, discussions are usually good signs. It means you’re doing something that causes people to talk. But how can you discern between gossip (which is clearly a sin) and conversation (which is not sinful)?   Continue at Sam Rainer

7 Ways Social Media Makes Pastoring More Difficult

Facebook can be very helpful to pastors. It helps us to know how to pray. It is a great avenue for communicating your message, making announcements, establishing connections, helping people to laugh, and a host of other things.

It’s also a headache.

Here are 7 ways that Facebook makes pastoring a little more difficult:

1. Expectations. Your beloved Aunt Gertrude just died. You post of your sadness on Facebook. And only Facebook. Your Pastor doesn’t call. He doesn’t send flowers. He doesn’t respond to your status update. Nothing. What a jerk!!!  Or, is it possible that he simply isn’t on Facebook all the time? Maybe he didn’t see it. Social media has upped the expectations for pastoral response.
2. Faux problems. People vent about really silly things on Facebook. And they often do it in language that requires a Rosetta Stone program to decipher. All you really know is that person X is fed up with people Y and that they need to mind their own business. So, when a pastor is scrolling through his news feed and sees these little spats what is he to do? Does he call and make sure everything is okay—only to find out that the status was really about the pain of getting onions on your McRib when you clearly said “no onions”?   Continue at Julian Freeman

Stop Using Facebook To Send A Message to People That You Won't Confront

Christians who use Facebook to complain about people instead of confronting according to Matthew 18:15-35 are in error. Passive-aggresiveness is their forte. I see it all the time. Veiled complaints and accusations against people. General complaints about the church and being hurt and people treating you wrong and sinning against you. Yet, you do not speak directly to the people who hurt you. You just lash out at everyone and throw a blanket of blame, victimhood, and condemnation among everyone who scrolls down their newsfeed. We might pray for you or we might just move on and look for cute kitten pictures. Either way, your hurt/pain did not receive the attention and dignity and chance for healing that it deserved. You cheapened yourself and the rest of us along with you.

 

This is how it works: Someone who is obviously hurt makes some kind of general remark accusing or complaining about someone or some situation. It is obvious that they are talking about something specific, but no one knows what, exactly. There is no possibility for peace or reconciliation or for anyone to try and make things right. People reading the post wonder who is being talked about and some wonder if, perhaps, they are the ones being targeted. Speculation abounds. But, nothing can be said because to assume that the post is about you is considered vain and self-centered (Carly Simon would agree). To wonder who it is about if you know it could not be about you might fall into vain imaginings or gossip-induced speculation. Unless you are close to the person, you cannot ask. If you do, they will often say that they are just speaking generally or that they do not want to say because they don't want to say someone's name. But, they are hurt and they don't want to deal with it biblically. So, they let the world know and no one can do a thing about it. Every once in a while, someone will confront the person on Facebook for this, but that is an awkward enterprise, to be sure, and one rife with pitfalls.   Continue at Downshore Drift

In the Crosshairs of the Discernment Bloggers

The Internet has forever changed the way Christians relate to one another. In giving us a common medium and allowing all of us to participate in it, it has made the church feel so much smaller. Local communities based on common geography have given way to a global community based on common interest. But at the same time, participation requires mediation--the mediation of a screen and a keyboard--and this keeps us relationally distant from one another. As our reach extends, our humanity fades, lost somewhere in the cyberspace between you and me.

Among the realities of this digital world is a whole class of web sites known as discernment blogs or watchblogs. These are sites ostensibly dedicated to keeping out a watchful eye for conflict and heresy. Some take a broad view, tracking a wide range of personalities and controversies; others take a much narrower view, tracking a single theological issue, ministry, or person. There have been times over the years that I have run afoul of discernment bloggers. On a few occasions I have said something, or neglected to say something, that has caused them to write an article about me. But then several weeks ago I wrote something that brought about an explosive reaction. Suddenly these bloggers were picking apart the meaning of my every word, taking stock of my deepest motives, and even writing with confidence about the state of my finances. Some of their commenters were crying out for people to hack my site and destroy it. A few were expressing themselves in profanity and threats of physical violence. It was intimidating, but also very clarifying.   Continue at Tim Challies

The Pastor's Wife Is a Pastor's Wife

"There you are," a woman whispered in my ear as she grabbed my elbow during a church gathering. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"

I braced myself. You never know what a statement like that could mean---especially at a church gathering.

Did I leave my car running in the parking lot? Did one of my kids have an accident involving bodily fluids? Or horror of all horrors---is my husband's zipper down while he's preaching?

The woman led me from the back of the meeting room where I was standing into the lobby area.

Was there someone critically in need of prayer? Is there a baby being born in the lobby? Did someone leave a pumpkin latte out here with my name on it?

The woman urgently pointed to the ceiling. "Look! The air conditioning isn't cold enough. You have to fix it."

I breathed a sigh of relief and gave her a quick hug. "The air conditioner? I don't know how to fix the air conditioner. I barely know how to read a Celsius thermostat."

She thought about this for a second and chuckled. "But you are the pastor's wife."

My Biggest Fear as a Pastor's Wife  Continue at Gloria Furman

The Trouble with the Tongue

Is it a sin to talk too much? Well, that depends. When we read the warnings in Scripture concerning the power of words we may be tempted to stop talking all together! However, we quickly realize this is not the answer. That would be too easy. The right response is the hard road of self-discipline and love. The hard road is the application of wisdom in the restraint of the most powerful muscle in our body. That got me thinking about the dangers of talking too much. There are many and include the following 8 warnings. 

1. Excessive talk may open the door to sin. “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19). “Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles” (21:23). “He who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction” (13:3). These verses seem to say the more you talk, the more you will sin. The reason for this is found in the sobering truth of James 3:8: “But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” We must discipline ourselves to refrain from speaking when it is not necessary. This is one mark of wisdom. “He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding is of a calm spirit. Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace; when he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive” (17:27, 28).

2. Excessive talk may fuel gossip. Webster’s Dictionary defines a gossip as, “a person who chatters or repeats idle talk and rumors.” Idle talk and rumors define the content of gossip. However, it is important to realize that the accuracy of the information being chattered about is not the issue. It could be true or false. The issue is there are some things that simply don’t need to be, and should not be, repeated because the negative effects of gossip are numerous. It destroys friendships: “He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends” (Proverbs 17:9). It causes strife: “Where there is no wood, the fire goes out; and where there is no talebearer, strife ceases” (Proverbs 26:20). It leads to the betrayal of confidences: “He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip” (Proverbs 20:19 NASB). It hurts others deeply: “The words of a talebearer are like tasty trifles, and they go down into the inmost body” (Proverbs 18:8). The Puritan, Thomas Watson, said: “The scorpion carries its poison in its tail, the slanderer in his tongue. His words pierce deep like the quills of the porcupine.”   Continue at Paul Tautges

A Word to Internet Busybodies and Wiki-leak Christianity

It seems that in recent years, several groups of people have sought to use the Internet and in particular blogs to “expose” or “hold accountable” Christian leaders.  And so often, we are prone to believe what other people say about a brother or sister in Christ, especially if it is critical or some sort of exposé.  We may not be the ones to spread the gossip and slander, but we are not opposed to entertaining it either.  The later I find more subtle and dangerous, because we can justify being uncharitable and unChristian by “a pursuit of the truth.”  In most cases, Christian leaders are judged guilty until proven innocent.

This morning, I read a word from Octavius Winslow’s Morning Thoughts that addresses this sort of behavior directly.  I want to provide the entire devotion for you below.  Now, hear what Winslow is saying and not what he is not saying.  We indeed should care for truth, integrity, godliness, and so on, but the way in which we honor truth must also honor the call to love one another as Christ has loved us.  When it comes to busybodies on the Internet, anonymous bloggers calling out Christian leaders, or the like, it seems very unlikely that the driving principle and motivation of the heart is redemption and reconciliation expressed in genuine Christian love . . .  Keep Reading >>>

The Male Gossip

Today’s post is by Amber Van Schooneveld. Amber is the author of Hope Lives: A Journey of Restoration (Group, 2008) and blogs regularly at Clever Phrase Here.

 

Close your eyes and picture a gossip. Whom do you see? I see a cluster of spinsters in old lace gloves sweetly spitting vitriol over tea. Perhaps I read too much Agatha Christie. But even if you don’t have visions of British spinsters, your vision is most likely female. Am I right? Counter to our preconceived notions, in my (unfortunate) experience there are just as many male gossips as female gossips.

The men, however, don’t have the benefit that us ladies do of hearing much direct exhortation against gossip. Can you imagine a men’s retreat in which this was the lineup?

• 9:00 a.m.: Becoming a Man After God’s Heart
• 10:30 a.m.: Strength Like Boaz
• 12:00 p.m.: Drum Beating (I assume this is what you do at any good men’s retreat)
• 1:30 p.m.: Taming Your Gossiping Tongue

I can’t.

Despite our feminine visions of the gossip, the Scriptures are directed as much at the male gossip (let’s call him Carl) as at the female (let’s call her Sheila), such as this passage in Proverbs:

“There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him…[the seventh] a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.” (Proverbs 6:16, 19)  Continue Reading...

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