Seven Ways to Hurt Your Pastor

If you really want to hurt your pastor, then this blogpost is for you.

 

This past week alone, I had conversations with dozens of pastors. These pastors love their churches and the members. They are really committed to their callings.

But they are real people who can really be hurt.

The pastors I spoke with this past week shared with me seven common themes of the things that hurt them the most. So, if you really want to hurt your pastor, follow these guidelines carefully.

1. Criticize the pastor’s family. Few things are as painful to pastors as criticizing their families, especially if the criticisms are related to issues in the church.
2. Tell the pastor he is overpaid. Very few pastors really make much money. But there are a number of church members who would like to make the pastor feel badly about his pay.
3. Don’t defend the pastor. Critics can be hurtful. But even more hurtful are those who remain silent while their pastor is verbally attacked. Silence is not golden in this case.   Continue at Thom S. Rainer

Should We Stop Saying, “The Church Hurt Me”?

I hear the statement quite often. Usually it’s raised in discussions of church membership. People want to know how to help a wounded friend or family member re-engage the church. Or, they’re the ones who have been hurt and they’re wrestling with whether church is worth it. Some want to be convinced to join a church and others want to be told it’s okay to leave. Answering well depends, in part, on knowing which way the person leans.

But recently I’ve been thinking that part of the answer must include questioning the way the problem is phrased. What does the person mean when they say, “The church hurt me”? Let’s walk the possibilities backward from the most sweeping accusation to the most narrow.

The Universal Church

The person could mean the big-C Church has hurt them–all Christians everywhere. That sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? But think about it. When a person says “The church has hurt me” and they’re refusing to visit or join any local congregation of believers they have practically projected their hurt onto the entire universal body of Christ! They have assigned their offense to every possible Christian and Christian congregation imaginable. Practically, their distrust has reached universal proportions. In every case this is false. We might provide some of our best care by helping our friends recognize the practical universalism in some of their reactions. Hopefully we can get them to dial it down to the next possible  level.   Continue at Thabiti Anyabwile

7 Things I’ve Learned When People Leave My Church /

I have been in fulltime ministry now for a little over 3 years.  In all honesty, that is not a lot of time.  I know this.  My wife knows this.  My people know this.  My pastor knows this.  In fact, I had a guy tell me one time that I needed to teach more like John Macarthur and that I will learn how to do it with age and experience.  I have people tell me all the time that they have children my age.  I get pretty interesting stares when I tell first time visitors that I’m one of the pastors.  Oh the joys of being young and trying not to waste it!  In 3 years, I have probably caused 20-30 people to leave our church, scared away several more students, almost fought 2 dudes, and have had “close” friends leave at the drop of a hat.  How’s that for authenticity and realness?  How’s that for a great start to pastoral ministry?  How’s that for being young in ministry?

 

Lately, God has been putting some thoughts on my heart that I want to share concerning this topic.  I am learning, without much fun, how to handle, how to succeed at, and how to love this calling we refer to as pastoral ministry.  You know how it is.  It’s not much fun at times.  And it’s definitely a calling.  What’s more, I want to share some thoughts on this because it seems that we don’t talk about this as much as we should.  Especially as young pastors.  I will be the first to admit that I have much to learn as a pastor; however, I am also bold to admit that many young pastors—like myself at times—are walking around discouraged, feeling incompetent, feeling full of guilt, and feeling attacked by Satan because of the way people have left their church.  I know that I have.

So, here are 7 things I have learned, and am continually learning, when people leave my church:

1.  It’s really hard not to take it personally when people leave.

This is by far the most difficult.  When someone leaves, especially someone close to you, it is hard to not take it personally.  As a pastor (and human), when you find yourself investing in someone, and that someone leaves, it is hard to release them without hurtful feelings.  We are human.  You feel hurt.  Betrayed.  Sold out for the next best thing that pops up in your area, or in your city.  When you are compared—and found lesser— to the latest and greatest Acts 29 gathering, Passion Conference, or Secret Church, then, if not careful, bitterness creeps in.  Don’t get me wrong, I love all of those things, but bitterness is still a real state that the human heart can find itself in if not careful.   Continue at Greg Gibson

Dealing with Grief

I once asked Matt Chandler about the unhelpful things people said to him in his fight against cancer. He refused to give examples but explained, “I think people can get a little weirded out by pain, suffering, and death. They don’t know what to do so they end up saying things that are hurtful to people who have experienced loss.”

For those of us self-aware of the propensity for foot-in-mouth disease, we sometimes choose simply to ignore those who are hurting so that we don’t make things worse.

Jill Sullivan, who lost a 16-year-old daughter to a highly aggressive form of brain cancer, explains why it can be so hard to return to church after the death of a loved one. She writes:

Our churches are full of people who are hurting, many of whom have lost children or other loved ones. For me personally, returning to church was one of the most difficult things to do after my loss, and I’ve talked to many other bereaved parents who have expressed the same thing.

She offers some reasons why this might be the case:

•Families tend to sit together at church, and when your family is missing someone, their absence is particularly acute in the pew. Looking around and seeing other intact families worshiping beside you can also be very painful.
•The songs we sing in church can bring up very strong emotions. Songs about heaven can conjure up an almost unbearable longing in our hearts, and songs of praise can be difficult to sing when your heart is broken.  Continue at Justin Taylor

 

IMAGE

How to Leave Your Old Church

Yesterday we looked at how to begin at your new church. But sometimes the harder move is leaving your old church. I don’t want to give advice on when to leave a church. Let’s assume the reasons make sense and now the question is how to leave. What should you do?

1.  Try to leave graciously. When someone voluntarily leaves a church (not because of a move or a graduation or a deployment) it is usually a painful experience. You’ve probably been hurt or disappointed. Maybe you dislike the new pastor or the new direction of the church. The temptation in these situations will be toward bitterness. You may want to leave with all your guns ablazin’ but the approach that feels good isn’t always the one that is good. Better to err on the side of gentleness and let the Lord repay your enemies. This also makes it easier for you to admit wrong if you should find some down the road.
2. Tell the pastor you are leaving. This may be the most important point. Please let someone know you are going. You may want people to notice you are gone, and a good elder board will notice, but if you’ve already decided to leave now is not the time for sour grapes. If you tell the leaders you are leaving, they can pray for you. Maybe they can clear up a misunderstanding. Or maybe they need to learn from your experience. Just don’t go silently into that good night.   Continue at Kevin DeYoung

The Gospel for Those Broken By the Church

If the Ten Commandments were not impossible enough, the preaching of Christian behavior, of Christian ethics, of Christian living, can drive a Christian into despairing unbelief. Not happy unbelief. Tragic, despairing, sad unbelief. (It is not unlike the [unhappy] Christian equivalent of “Jack Mormons” – those who finally admit to themselves and others that they can’t live up to the demands of this non-Christian cult’s laws, and excuse themselves from the whole sheebang.) A diet of this stuff from pulpit, from curriculum, from a Christian reading list, can do a work on a Christian that is (at least over the long haul) “faith destroying.”

 

Read the whole thing HERE