Nine Heartfelt Things Church Members Would Like to Say to Their Pastors

I am among the most blessed men in the world. God has graciously saved me and sustained me. I have an incredible family. The place and ministry where I serve vocationally is a gift from God.

And then, as if I should be blessed even more, God has allowed me to serve and hear from church leaders across the world. In this article, I share some insights I heard from church members via social media, emails, blog comments, and personal conversations.

The following nine statements are heart matters for many church members. For the most part, these members are not the perpetual critics and the business meeting naysayers. These are men and women who truly love their pastors. But many of them do have some words from the heart they would like to share with their pastors. But many are reticent to do so, because they know their pastors often receive criticisms and inordinate demands for attention.  Continue at Thom Rainer

Seven Trends in Church New Member Classes

One of the most significant changes in church practices in the past fifteen years is the requirement of an entry class to be granted church membership. In a 1997 survey I did, only 17 percent of churches were requiring a new member class. In a recent and non-scientific Twitter poll I conducted, 86 percent of those who responded said their church requires a membership class to be formally affiliated with the church.

Even if you provide allowances for the potential lack of accuracy of a Twitter poll, the change is remarkable if not dramatic. The number of churches requiring a membership class has increased 400 percent in 15 years!

That is one of seven key trends we see today in new member classes. Let’s look at all seven:

1. Requiring church membership classes has become a normative church practice. Indeed this church practice is almost as pervasive as churches that have small groups or Sunday school classes.
2. The longer a church has required a membership class, the shorter it becomes in length. Many churches start with membership classes that are multiple weeks in length. Because of teaching efficiency and the need for better participation, they typically move toward one-day classes.   Continue at Thom Rainer

Five Steps to Help a Pastor Respond When a Member Leaves the Church

Every pastor knows the feeling. The news may have come via email, telephone, or second-hand conversation. In some cases, the person or persons themselves told you face-to face. They are leaving your church. They may already have another church to join, or they may just be beginning the search process.

But their decision is irrevocable. It is final. You cannot persuade them otherwise.

You feel like you’ve been kicked in the gut. You try to tell yourself not to take it personally, but you do anyway. You don’t understand. You are wounded. Many times you are blindsided by their decisions.

I cannot change the reality that most pastors will experience the exodus of church members. I cannot promise that you will have a new emotional state. But I do pray that the five steps I offer will help you deal with this matter better.

1. Pray immediately when you hear about the decision. The God we serve is the God of all comfort. He is the God of all wisdom. He knows our hurts and concerns even before we voice them. Before you do anything else, pray.
2. Talk to the exiting church members. If they are willing, have a conversation with those who are leaving your church. Listen more than speak. Don’t be defensive. Some of the words they say may bring you pain, but allow them to speak and vent if necessary. Before the conversation ends, tell them that you will bless them in their new church. Have prayer with them, a sincere prayer for God’s best for them.   Continue at Thom Rainer

Should We Stop Saying, “The Church Hurt Me”?

I hear the statement quite often. Usually it’s raised in discussions of church membership. People want to know how to help a wounded friend or family member re-engage the church. Or, they’re the ones who have been hurt and they’re wrestling with whether church is worth it. Some want to be convinced to join a church and others want to be told it’s okay to leave. Answering well depends, in part, on knowing which way the person leans.

But recently I’ve been thinking that part of the answer must include questioning the way the problem is phrased. What does the person mean when they say, “The church hurt me”? Let’s walk the possibilities backward from the most sweeping accusation to the most narrow.

The Universal Church

The person could mean the big-C Church has hurt them–all Christians everywhere. That sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? But think about it. When a person says “The church has hurt me” and they’re refusing to visit or join any local congregation of believers they have practically projected their hurt onto the entire universal body of Christ! They have assigned their offense to every possible Christian and Christian congregation imaginable. Practically, their distrust has reached universal proportions. In every case this is false. We might provide some of our best care by helping our friends recognize the practical universalism in some of their reactions. Hopefully we can get them to dial it down to the next possible  level.   Continue at Thabiti Anyabwile

Seven Things Pastors Would Like Church Members to Know about Their Children

 

I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”

 

My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.

I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.

1. Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
2. Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”    Continue at Thom Rainer

The Main Reason People Leave a Church

by Dr. Thom S. Rainer:

Numbers of gifted persons and organizations have studied the phenomenon of the church “back door,” the metaphorical way we describe people leaving the church. And there will always be the anticipated themes of relocation or personal crises. We should recognize those issues, though we can respond to the latter more than the former.

But all the research studies of which I am aware, including my own, return to one major theme to explain the exodus of church members: a sense of some need not being filled. 

In other words, these members have ideas of what a local congregation should provide for them, and they leave because those provisions have not been met.

Certainly we recognize there are many legitimate claims by church members of unfulfilled expectations. It can undoubtedly be the fault of the local congregation and its leaders.

But many times, probably more than we would like to believe, a church member leaves a local body because he or she has a sense of entitlement. I would therefore suggest that the main reason people leave a church is because they have an entitlement mentality rather than a servant mentality.

Look at some of the direct quotes from exit interviews of people who left local congregations:    Continue at  Thom Rainer

Ten Common Things Church Members Communicate to Pastors

Pastors are like information sponges. If they aren’t studying, they are receiving a regular deluge of information from church members. I asked twenty-two pastors to share with me the most common items they hear from their church members. In the past, this information came in the form of letters, in-person conversations, and telephone calls. The digital age has made emails, texts, and social media more common.

Eleven of the pastors were above the age of forty, so an equal number were under forty years old. Here are their top ten responses in order of frequency.  Each response is followed by a quote from a representative pastor in the interview.

1. Requests for hospital visits and other visits to those who are ill. “If I said ‘yes’ to every one of these requests that I got, it would be a 60-hour a week job. I have to disappoint and even anger some folks, because I can’t get to everyone.”

2. Requests to attend events and meetings at the church. “I really wish I could be omnipresent. It seems like I’m supposed to be at every wedding, every church meeting, and every Sunday school class function. I do my best, but I sometimes disappoint some folks.

3. Criticisms. “The criticisms that bother me the most are those that begin with ‘I love you pastor but . . .’ The words that follow are usually anything but loving.”

4. Updates on someone’s health. “I have to say that I appreciate those in my church that keep me updated about how someone is doing. Now, some of them go overboard with the details, but it does help me set priorities to visit and call.”

5. Books a pastor should read. “I have learned that when a church member recommends a book to me, it’s usually a book about something he thinks I should be teaching or preaching.”    Continue at Thom Rainer

Eight Duties of Church Members to Pastors

Of the duty of church members to their Pastor

1.      It is the duty of every member to pray for his Pastor and Teachers.

“Brethren pray for us” (1 Thess 5:25; Heb 13:18) that the Word of the Lord may run and be glorified.  Again, saith Paul, “praying also for us that God would open unto us a door of utterance to speak the mystery of Christ” (Col 4:3).  Prayer was made without ceasing of the church unto God for him.  Those that neglect this duty seem not to care either for their Minister, or their own souls, or whether sinners be converted, or the church edified or not. They pray for their daily bread, and will they not pray to have the Bread of Life plentifully broken to them?

Motives to this:

(a)   The Minister’s work is great:  “Who is sufficient for these things?” (2 Cor 2:16).

(b)    The opposition is not small which is made against them (see 1 Cor 16:9).

(c)    God’s loud call (as well as Minister’s themselves) is for the saints’ continual prayers and supplications for them.

(d)   Their weaknesses and temptations are many.

(e)   The increase and edification of the church depends on the success of their ministry.

(f)     If they fall or miscarry, God is greatly dishonored, and his ways and people reproached.

2.      They ought to show a reverential estimation of them, being Christ’s ambassadors, also called Rulers, Angels, etc.  Continue at  Stylos

When Are We Going to Grow Up? The Juvenilization of American Christianity

The house lights go down. Spinning, multicolored lights sweep the auditorium. A rock band launches into a rousing opening song. "Ignore everyone else, this time is just about you and Jesus," proclaims the lead singer. The music changes to a slow dance tune, and the people sing about falling in love with Jesus. A guitarist sporting skinny jeans and a soul patch closes the worship set with a prayer, beginning, "Hey God …" The spotlight then falls on the speaker, who tells entertaining stories, cracks a few jokes, and assures everyone that "God is not mad at you. He loves you unconditionally."

After worship, some members of the church sign up for the next mission trip, while others decide to join a small group where they can receive support on their faith journey. If you ask the people here why they go to church or what they value about their faith, they'll say something like, "Having faith helps me deal with my problems."

Fifty or sixty years ago, these now-commonplace elements of American church life were regularly found in youth groups but rarely in worship services and adult activities. What happened? Beginning in the 1930s and '40s, Christian teenagers and youth leaders staged a quiet revolution in American church life that led to what can properly be called the juvenilization of American Christianity. Juvenilization is the process by which the religious beliefs, practices, and developmental characteristics of adolescents become accepted as appropriate for adults. It began with the praiseworthy goal of adapting the faith to appeal to the young, which in fact revitalized American Christianity. 

But it has sometimes ended with both youth and adults embracing immature versions of the faith. In any case, white evangelicals led the way.

Saving the World

Juvenilization happened when no one was looking. In the first stage, Christian youth leaders created youth-friendly versions of the faith in a desperate attempt to save the world. Some hoped to reform their churches by influencing the next generation. Others expected any questionable innovations to stay comfortably quarantined in youth rallies and church basements. Both groups were less concerned about long-term consequences than about immediate appeals to youth.   Continue at Christianity Today

See also: Two-Dimensional Youth Ministry

Facing Attack and Betrayal by Church Members

How does a pastor face being attacked and betrayed by one of his most supportive church members?

Some of the most painful situations I have ever faced in ministry is when those whom are your biggest supporters are the ones who turn on you.  I can remember trembling when I read Charles Spurgeon’s advice, “Prepare for when your dearest brother betrays you.”  What, you mean that will happen?

In over 16 years of pastoral ministry, I can still remember the most hateful and painful letter I have ever received.  It was from one of my dearest supporters and defenders of me and my ministry at the time, who had just left the church over a difficult decision I had to make that personally effected this individual. 

How do you face these kinds of hurtful betrayals?  3 suggestions: Keep Reading...

How Members Can Serve the Church on Sunday Morning